The difference between the North and the South

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained...!!!

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.


FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store..... DO NOT buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all 's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'Y'all ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, DON'T think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.


******
Disclaimer: Although I grew up in Pennsylvania, I was born in the South. Most Southerners say that that still doesn't make me a true Southerner, but I don't care... this is still FUNNY!!! :D

(Posted on FB Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 5:20pm)

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl...

Southern women know their manners:
☼ 'Yes, ma'am.'
☼ 'Yes, sir.'
☼ 'Why, no, Billy!'

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
☼ 'Ya'll come back!'
☼ 'Well, bless your heart.'
☼ 'Drop by when you can.'
☼ 'How's your Momma?'

Southern women know their summer weather report:
☼ Humidity
☼ Humidity
☼ Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
☼ The beach
☼ The rivuh
☼ The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
☼ Colorful hi-heel sandals
☼ Strapless sun dresses
☼ Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
☼ Honey
☼ Darlin'
☼ Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
☼ Fried Green Tomatoes
☼ Driving Miss Daisy
☼ Steel Magnolias
☼ Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
☼ Baptist
☼ Methodist
☼ Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
☼ Red-eye gravy
☼ Grits
☼ Eggs
☼ Country ham
☼ Mouthwatering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
☼ Chawl'stn
☼ S'vanah
☼ Foat Wuth
☼ N'awlins
☼ Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
☼ Men in uniform.
☼ Men in tuxedos
☼ Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
☼ The Mall
☼ The Country Club
☼ The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
☼ Having bad hair and nails
☼ Having bad manners
☼ Cooking bad food


More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'
_____

Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're 'in line,' . we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, ya'll is singular, all ya'll is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart' ... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
_____

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !


(Posted on FB Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 11:13pm)