This is my son. My first born. The name I gave him is Caleb Walker Murphy. I placed him for adoption when he was 3 days old. His name is now Landon. This picture was made when he was approx. 6 months old. He is holding the stuffed bunny my grandmother give him.
July 2, 2009
Dear Landon,
Sixteen years ago today, my life was incredibly blessed by God when I gave birth to you. July 2nd, 1993 was the happiest and saddest day of my life. For nine months, while you were growing inside me, I was growing attached to you. For nine months, I wondered what you were going to look like and be like. For nine months, you were my baby boy. And, for three days I got to hold you in my arms. For three days, I looked into your eyes and watched you wiggle and cry. Although I loved you more than anyone else in the whole world, I knew that providing for you was just as important as loving you.
For nine months, I agonized over being a single mom or giving you to another couple. I wanted to keep you and try to do the best I could for you. But, you deserved better than what I could only try to do for you. You deserved more than just love. I thought about all the things I wanted for you, but couldn’t imagine how all of them could possibly happen. You deserved everything good! You deserved the best!
Sixteen years ago, I had love to give to you, but you deserved more. You needed a mom and a dad to love you, I was just a mom loving you. You needed safety and security, I could only give you love. You needed to eat and play and grow and thrive, I could only give you love. You needed more than only love! So, I loved you by giving you two of the best people to be your parents, to love you and raise you better than I could.
As God had blessed me with a healthy baby boy, I trust that He has provided you with everything you‘ve needed! In my heart, I know He has blessed the couple I chose for you, your Mom and Dad. I hope and pray that you have gotten and are getting everything I wanted for you and more!
I have always, always thought about you. I always have and will always love you my sweet son. Everyday thoughts of you flood my mind. July 2nd of every year since 1993, has been the most special day in my heart. I have no idea if your parents have ever told you about me but, I want to let you know that I didn’t give you up, I tried to give you a better life. I will always be here waiting to see you again, hoping to hold you in my arms one more time. To be able to hug you, look into your eyes and hear you say “hello”, and to have the chance to tell you face to face again how much I love you Landon would be a dream come true!
I wish I could wish you Happy Birthday today! And, I hope all of your dreams come true!
I LOVE YOU LANDON,
Your "Birth" Mom
(Posted on FB Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 4:48am)
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FB Comments
Claire B.: This letter is so beautifully written Jill. I truly hope you will get to meet your son one day, if it is what you both want. You did a very brave thing by giving him up for adoption. Sending all my love to you xxxx
This made me cry. I'm sure if your son could read it he would understand your reasons. Much love, Claire x
TwilightLovin ˚͜˚ SmartypantsMurphy: Thank you very much Claire! I do very much want to meet him some day! I wish it could be sooner than later. But, I will be happy no matter when it is!
Scott L.: Great letter Jill.
Mark Y.: Very touching.
Valerie D.: look lady... this totally made me cry.
Lindy B.: Jill can you possibly send me a copy of this letter to my email. its on my facebook profile. I cried while reading it. As I have a son who will be 17 on July 6th.Everything you wrote is exactly how Ive been feeling but couldnt find the words until I read this very touching emotional letter.THANK YOU
Linda L. B.: Jill, that has brought back a lot memories to me.
TwilightLovin ˚͜˚ SmartypantsMurphy: I appreciate everyone very much for your kind words & thoughts! Today is the toughest day (emotionally) for me and it helps so much for me to share it with others. Thanks for letting me share it with you!
Stephen H.: I wish I could have gotten a letter like this from my birth mom...it is beautiful Jill.
TwilightLovin ˚͜˚ SmartypantsMurphy: Thanks Stephen! I wish I had permission to send it to him! I actually could send it to him via fb or myspace or even snail mail, but I don't want to screw up the possibility of actually, legally getting to meet him when his an "adult"! And, I dare not send it also because I am not ready to deal with rejection since that could very well happen.
Jennifer H.: That is awesome. I wish I could see what my son looks like now, or even at 6 months old...One of these days it will happen, when it is meant to be. Good luck to you = )
Sally B.-H.: WOW WOW WOW....i second what Stephen H. wrote to you. What I would have given to get that type of letter from MY birthmother. I found her and wrote her but she was bitter that I found her. Its a small world and if its meant for you to meet you baby boy it will happen. One thing is that after finding my birth mother I also found out she had two more daughters and a son. I have never met them and they no nothing about me or my twin Susan. As I said before its a small world and I found her two daughters on Facebook and requested to be friends! The one agreed to it. I have never told her who I am though. Its not the right time. I hope someday she posts a picture of my birthmother on her facebook account. but as of yet nothing.
TwilightLovin ˚͜˚ SmartypantsMurphy: My son's whole family is here on facebook, and I want so much to contact them, but I fear rejection and some of my friends have advised me to wait. That it will happen when the time is ready. Legally, I have to wait until he is 18 (just 2 more years) but, if they're here on fb, doesn't that mean some kind of door has opened???
Stephen H.: Jill....time out here....it doesn't matter that they are on fb...no door has opened...do they know you're on fb?....my bet is yes...btw...your latest picture of yourself looks alot like the picture of him at school that i sent you.
TwilightLovin ˚͜˚ SmartypantsMurphy: I was just saying what has been going through my mind in regards to wondering if this was a "door"... I believe they have figured it out that I am here, too. But, my privacy settings only allow my friends to view my profile. Which picture of mine are you talking about? :)
Stephen H.: Sorry...I did a dyslexic thing.
Suellen R.: Thank you for sharing that w/me/us.
JacobLovin' (Leslie) S.-C.: Jill..GREAT...now i'm crying...:) It's a good cry tho. This letter is just oozing with honesty and love from mother to child. The best thing of all is HE LOOKS JUST LIKE U!!!!! In time, you will be able to wish ur son a Happy Birthday (in person) and give him the hug you've been waiting all these years to give him. The separation is only temporary and when u r reunited again you will know it was worth the wait!!!!!!!!!!
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