*************************************************
I have posted this request for advice on several adoption groups: (My "story is at the bottom of this note)...
Jill Byrne Murphy wrote
at 11:18pm on February 11th, 2009
I placed my son for adoption over 15 years ago. I just got on facebook a few months back, and I started to look up people who have been in my life (that I could remember their full names). Of all the people I have found on here so far, I FOUND MY SON'S ADOPTIVE PARENTS!
We had an open adoption for his first 5 years of life, but since 1997 have had no contact. His parents were living in Canada at the time of his adoption, but LO & BEHOLD! They live only 25 or so miles from me now! I have been able to view their complete profiles (pictures & all) AND have seen how beautiful & handsome my son has become! He looks like he has had a good life!
I have NOT contacted them for fear of rejection (or that they will change their privacy settings). But, I am so tempted to ask them how they are doing & let them know I am so close by. I have not taken any action on this temptation and would like some honest (but compassionate) feedback from anyone who understands what I am going through.
*************************************************
And, here are some of the responses from adoptive parents, birth mother, & adoptees I have gotten so far:
To Jill Byrne Murphy- From the adoptive mom's perspective, I would love to hear from you if you were my child's birthmom. Maybe let them know y ou've found them, and reassure them that you don't want to rock their world or see their son every week, but you'd love to hear from them and get an update. My guess is that as you regain contact and trust, maybe a visit or phone call wouldn't be out of the question. I pray for a positive outcome for all of you. We have 4 kids and all of our adoptions are open and we feel so privileged and blessed to have these women as part of our lives. Good luck!
*************************************************
Jill - I too would love to hear from you. I think you can leave a message with them without sending an invite first. I'm new to Facebook so I'm not sure about that, but if you can send them a message first in some way that might be best rather than just having a friend invite show up on their FB page. I hope you are able to reconnect with them in some way. The relationship we have with our girls birth parents is one of the most rewarding parts of my life. They may not know what they are missing :>! Best wishes to you.
*************************************************
In My Opinion to Jill:
As an adoptee..and as a Mom, I would say that you should wait on contacting your birth son. Teenage years are very difficult to manuever through both as a child and as a parent, and if you disrupt their lives right now, it might not be for the best. THAT said, since you have already had contact with them in the past, you could send them a note on Facebook and say something very basic like 'I enjoyed seeing your son's photo's, he looks great', it is very tricky for birth parents and adopted parents to navigate. Their greatest fear is that their son is going to 'like' you better and that they will lose him.If you feel you can remain in the background, and just watch from afar, then I say, go for it and let them know that you too have seen them on'facebook'. If though you are looking to have a relationship with your birth son and to be in his life, I would say NO, because that isn't fair to him. It would be too confusing. Just my opinion though!
*************************************************
Jill...Happy Valentines Day!! I am an adoptee and I was adopted in 1969. I have met my birthmom and I do have some thoughts on your predicament.
I know you said it was an open adoption, but how did they feel at the time you all stopped communications? I would say that you should try to get as much info as possible off their pictures and page (friends names, or anyone else that you can contact to locate them again if they choose to shut down their site) before you contact them. If you are happy standing back and just looking at pictures of him then I wouldn't contact them, but if you feel the desire to contact them, just be prepared.
As a teen, my adoptive parents and I battled a lot. They liked cold, I liked hot, they liked this and I liked that...etc. At this stage of the game, my parents would not have been happy with my birthmother contacting me. Mine was a closed adoption though and that could make a difference.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make...
*************************************************
Jill...I agree with some of the previous post but being an adoptive parent of 2 small children I would suggest this...I would download what pictures you can so if privacy settings were changed you will have the pictures and then I would try to contact the parents. Whatever their decision is their decision and you should respect that. Once your bioligical child comes of age he may try to look for you and he may not. I would not press the issues as this may make him run the other way. I have contact with my childrens bio parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles. Although they do not personally see my daughter I do share pictures. She does have other siblings (both parents are breeders) so one day she may want to see pictures of them too. Keeping the lines of communication open has provided me with things I would never have had for my daughter. I have her sonogram video, baby blanket and baby bracelet from when she was born. All of these things are very special to me and will be to her.
*************************************************
That's a tough one. If five years was the decided-upon time frame, they may not be open to contact - I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Wish I could tell you that they'd be thrilled, and maybe they would be.
Just sent you a friend invitation. I'd like to keep in touch and hear how things go.
*************************************************
hi jill... i saw your post on the adoption group on facebook. my name is katie and i live in chicago il.
i just wanted to tell you that my husband and i are in the process of trying to adopt. personally, i feel that your son is probably at an age where he would like to know more about you. i know a lot of folks who are very skilled and experienced with open adoption and i could put you in touch with them if you would like more of a "been there, done that" opinion.
i think you sound like a very mature and kind woman for treading lightly and i hope you get to know more about your son and hopefully connect with him eventually. i think it is only a positive thing for his life.
*************************************************
Okay so I was lookin at adoption groups on facebook and I ran across your comment about your adopted son and i just wanted to say go for it! There is nothing wrong with you contacting your son's guardians or having a desire to meeet speak and/or see him. I don't know if you recieved any other positive feedback so I just had to tell you I think it's a wonderful idea! If their hearts were open for adopting your son I don't think they would harden their hearts to you. Most children who are in foster care/adopted long to see their birth parents and may even have many questions. I have friends and family who are adopted and they all have had moments where the questions and curiousity filled their heads about their birth parents. It would definitely mean something to your son Im sure. God bless you:)
PS I definitely think I have some sense of understanding on how you feel....I hesitated in putting my comment to you but I had to tell you, Im sure your son would be glad to know his birth mom thinks about him.
*************************************************
Hi,
Thanks for accepting me as your new FB friend!
We adopted our 3 yr old son at birth. We have an open adoption with his BM. She is always invited to everything. Sometimes she comes, sometimes she does, but it's always her choice. We created a website for her, so she can also always see what's going on if she doesn't want to call. (the link is under my Info tab)
We also have 8 month old twin daughters that we adopted. Their birthparents chose a private adoption. Hopefully they will change their minds, but until then I can keep hoping.
As an adoptive parent, I think it would be ok for you to e-mail them. Just to say Hi, start off slow, then watch it grow . . You gave them a precious gift, so I would hope that they would be excited to hear from you!
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!
*************************************************
Hi Jill, i read your post on the Birthmothers site, in my opinion i think you should copy the pictures to your computer (so if they change there privacy setting you will still have them) and you should contact them, because if you dont you will always wonder what would have happened if you did.
and if they dont want you to be in there life... as painfull as that would be... it would be better to know then to go through the rest of your life wondering what would have happned if you only opened the lines of communication.
in the end you should do whatever is best for you, as im sure you had many differing opinions on giving him up in the first place. you picked adoption becase you felt that was best.
let your heart and brain choose for you, not someone elses.
*************************************************
hi,i too found my childs adoptive parent at reunion.com and sent messages with no reply,its been 17 years since the adoption for me,and i recently found my daughter on here and myspace,but both are set to private so im unable to see profiles,im gonna wait till may 1st she turns 18 and im gonna go ahead and contact her thru myspace and see if she replys then?it also was a open adoption with agreement to send pictures and letters,well lasted about the 1st year then nothing since,im not happy about that outcome,but i cant to anything about itfeel free to contact me for chat/ or what ever i can do to helpmy e-mail is ...
*************************************************
If you had an open adoption before, and it was a good experience (they were kind to you and not defensive) then there is no harm in sending them a message. I would make it kind, and non-threatening. Like a get to know you again type of thing.
The problem with this is that if you have expectations of GREAT things to come of it, you'll get hurt if they aren't comfortable. But, if you have an understanding of it might not be all nice and sweet exchanges, then you might be ok. Expectations always lead to let downs (that's my moto with this).
I wouldn't let them know how close you are living to them unless they ask you, or you get the feeling they are happy to hear from you again.
Since there is no obiligation on their part, just be friendly and hope for the best. If they aren't all for it, then let them know you understand, but hope that they will let you know if they ever want to talk again. Give them your contact info and leave it at that. You can always try again in a couple of years when your son is 18.
But then again, maybe they'll be happy to hear from you. Just feel your way through :)
Hope this helps!
*************************************************
Jill,
What a wonderful gift you gave your son. I commend you for being such a giving person. As the father of four adopted children I can tell you that as your son ages, he will have questions and will most likely search you out. You know how children get smarter as they get older. My suggestion is to remain on the sideline and pray. One day, on his terms, he will want to know and want to find you. It will happen. Right now he may not be ready. When he is ready, he will find you and he will only benefit from the love of everyone involved.
Our oldest is from S.Korea and a year or so back she started asking questions. We told her we would help her save for a trip to Korea to search for her birth Mother. Recently she has met a young man who also was adopted from S.Korea. He has gone back and they communicate via the internet. We will see what happens next and will support her.
Another child we adopted we have a great relationship with her biological family. We get to visit on holidays and birthdays. It was really like adding another family for us. Our boys, well, one was abandoned at birth and the other was from a thirteen year old Mom who still keeps having children.
I will be praying for you and that God in his time will comfort your heart and let you have a part in your son's life.
I think it will be a happy day.
*************************************************
I am a first mom too Jill. I placed my son just about 3 years ago. I have a open adoption with the adoptive parents but I it am afraid to ask for more. I would contact them. Just a friendly note. It can't hurt.
I know about thinking you may be rejected. What happened 10 years ago that stopped the contact?
What I do all the time is comment on pictures, like EVERY picture. Just little things, comments on her profile, they can't hurt. Anyways, if they are average they get tons of little comments they might not notice your little comment or they might notice right away. Just do it, you will feel better than you tried.
*************************************************
This seems like a lot to take in, but I am grateful for all the help I have gotten so far!!
*************************************************
Here is "MY STORY":
I was 22 years old and almost into my sophomore year at college when I got pregnant my first time (the birth father was NOT going to be in the picture). Because "mommy & daddy" were paying for my college tuition and rent and necessities (everything!), I was still very dependent on them. When I told them about my pregnancy, they were upset. And, when I told them I was trying to figure out a way to raise this child, they tried to talk me out of it & into placing the baby for adoption.
I temporarily quit school for my pregnancy and moved back home with them. My mom found a family that wanted to adopt my baby. I decided to "go along" and meet this family. They were very nice people and they had a 2 year old son who they had adopted. After meeting them, I told them that I was trying to figure out a way to keep my baby, but that if I decided I couldn't I wanted them to "have" him. (I had a feeling he was a boy, even before all the ultrasounds.)
So, I spent the next dew months figuring out that I was NOT going to be able to pull it off. We (my son's soon-to-be adoptive parents & I) had been staying in contact the whole time. I got to know them pretty well. I went to a maternity home in Texas that was part of an adoption agency (Christian Homes of Abilene). Karen (adoptive mom) & I wrote back n forth a lot! And, a week before my son was due, she came down to TX from Canada and spent everyday with me. We went out to eat, shopping, etc... getting to know each other better. When we went to my OBGYN appointment together, we found out I needed to have a C-section 2 days before his due date (I was scheduled to have him the very next day). We both went "home" and called my parents & her husband. Tom (adoptive dad) drove all night from Canada and got to the hospital 20 minutes before my son was born. My parents got there about 3 hours after he was born. Because I had had a C-section, I got to spend 3 days in the hospital. And, my son had to stay there with me (hosp. policy). Karen & Tom, my mom & dad, me & my son spent 3 days at the hosp. taking lots of pictures and videos. When the morning of the 3rd day came, I woke up early and asked the nurse to bring me Caleb (the name I gave him) so I could spend my last few hours alone with him. I cried and cried while I held him. And, when it came time to say goodbye, I cried even harder. We signed an "official" contract and they said a prayer and we parted ways. It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done!
They (according to our contract) sent me pictures and letters every month for his 1st twelve months, then every birthday (July 2nd) and every Christmas until he turned 5. They wanted for me to move on and they wanted to move on, so they thought it would be better not to keep contact after that. (I compromised big time, I wanted them to send pics for his whole life, they only wanted to do it for only his first year).
So, he's fifteen & a half now, I have not seen or heard anything about them in over 10 years. I thought they were living in Canada. I was totally amazed to find out that they live ONLY 25 miles from me here in Tennessee! I have not tried to contact them yet. I am getting a lot of great feedback from lots of people since I posted on several adoption groups. So, I am still just contemplating (& praying) what I am going to do.
Giving my son up for adoption was THE HARDEST THING I had ever done (& will ever do)! Now, I feel like I am almost going through it again. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on my predicament, as I am still trying to decide what to do.
Thanks for listening (or reading), Jill Byrne
p.s. This pic was taken when he was about 6 months old (they sent it to me as part of our agreement)!
(Posted on FB Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 10:40am)
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
FB Comments
Shelly M.: oh wow. good luck to you Jill. Everything happens for a reason...be strong
Melissa W.-G.: Wow, that's amazing!! Good luck with this!
Sally B.-H.: Jill....Wow is all I can say. Did you know Susan and I were adopted. It takes a special person to give up a child. My experience was that I found my birthmother but she wanted nothing to do with us. Unlike you who wants to see how her son is doing. I pray that something good comes out of this. Good Luck.
JillyBean ˚͜˚ ByrneMurphy: 2 of the things I worry about are: that Landon won't have any interest in meeting me &/or his parents won't be open to even finding out if he is or not! They HAVE raised him to know he was adopted (or at least told me that's what they planned to do when I gave him to them)!
Kelly M.: My mom raised me to know I was adopted and she raised me w/ the understanding that at any point I could reach out and look for my birth parents. She never felt threatened by the fact that I expressed an interest in doing just that. I reconnected w/ my birth family and found out I had a sister as well. It's been a blessing, follow your heart!
Tammy T.-S.: Wow.. yet again, something else in common, a little different but the word adopted still falls into the circle. My ex-husband adopted my oldest daughter when she was 2 1/2. She never knew...until a goofy friend of mine blew it, she was just about 15 1/2 then. Things weren't really good between her and her father before, but all hell broke lose afterwards. 15 is a fragile age, but then again so is 11 or 19. When is the right time? You should gently drop a hello to the adoptive parents, but just know, if they refuse now, it may be only because it is not the right time for Landon or them. An occassional hello and show them that you will not push but you also are still very interested in Landons future. And always remind them they are his parents, and you do not want to take that away from them, you just want to be apart of his life. My prayers are with you :) And just be patient and it will all work out. Tammy
Vanessa Van L.-P.: Jill, You already know my heart goes out to you. If it were me I would probably contact them outside of Facebook. You never know, maybe they have been looking for you.
Melissa S.-D.: he looks just like you.
Carrie H.-P.: Jill-- I really feel for you, this must be a very difficult time. Based on what you've said, you're not going to be at peace unless you try. Then, it's up to them-- and the hard part will be accepting their decision, whatever it may be. Best of luck to you, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers!
JillyBean ˚͜˚ ByrneMurphy: Thank you Carrie!
Nicole F.: Jill go for it, though u cna only tr maybe there want u to contact them
John C.: Hi, Jill. I guess I'm still conflicted about this. (For Jill's other friends here, I'm an adoptive parent.) I'd love to see you be able to get back in touch with them, but I don't want to see the attempt go down in flames with you hurt and have that be problematic for any future attempt when he's an adult. If you do contact them, you might consider going out of your way to use language that puts them at ease. I suspect you know what I mean. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment